One Billion...

According to a recent government publication.

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

Read More

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP (Member of Parliament) came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason!

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings

Read More

The Economy

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Read More

Political Quotes

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down YOUR life for his country. ~Texas Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

Hat tip: Duffy L.

Read More

Honorary Degree

A rich man walks into the Dean's Office at a small college. "I'd like to donate several million dollars to the institution."

"Why, that's very generous of you."

"But there is one condition: I'd like you to bestow an honorary degree."

"That's no problem; no problem at all."

"I haven't finished. I want an honorary degree for my horse."

"Your horse?"

"Yup, you bet. She carried me for many a year and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive her Tr.d. - Doctor of Transportation."

"I'm sorry, we can't give a degree to a horse. What will people think?"

"Well, I'll just take my donation to another educational institution."

"Wait, wait! Let me consult with the school trustees." The dean calls a hurried trustee meeting and relays the details of the deal. All of the board except the oldest member reacts with shock and dismay. The oldest trustee looks like he's sleeping through the meeting.

After all the arguments, the old man says, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

"What? Don't you think that would disgrace the college?"

"We give honorary degrees to lawyers, don't we?"

"Yes, but ..."

"We give honorary degrees to politicians, don't we?"

"Yes ..."

"So what's wrong with giving an honorary degree to the entire horse?"

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

Read More

Dear Leader

I am really concerned about North Korea's appointment of the "dear leader", Kim Jung Ill's youngest son to be the new leader of North Korea -- a nuclear power! After all, Kim Jung Un (pronounced Kim's young-un?) had NO military experience whatsoever before daddy made him a four-star general in the military.

This is a snot-nose twerp who has never accomplished anything in his life that that would even come close to military leadership: he hasn't even so much as led a cub scout troop, let alone coached a sports team or commanded a military platoon. So, setting that aside, next they make him the "beloved leader" of the country. Terrific!!!

Oh, crap! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing here. We took a community organizer who has never worn a uniform and made him Commander-in-Chief; a guy who has never led anything more than an ACORN demonstration and made him the leader of this country. Never mind.

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

Read More

Groundhog Day 2012

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

Hat tip: Das Skunkmeister of Skunkfeathers

Read More

$100.00

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. He decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and those creeps took $95.00 in taxes.

Hat tip: Jodi of Jodi's Journey

Read More

Politicals Ads

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only democrat political ads on every channel.

The next morning he turned the TV on and found only democrat political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but STILL only found democrat political ads. The next day when he still found only democrat political ads he called the store to complain.

The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have democrat political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right!

After looking at the TV for a while, he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and the ground rod was in the manure pile.

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Read More

Logic 101

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.



The firearm death rate in Washington, D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.



That means you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington D.C.

Read More

New Commandment

In honor of Governor Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been added to the Bible.

Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:

"Thou Shalt Not Sharest Thy Rod With Thy Staff."

Hat tip: Duffy L.

Read More

The Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie.. "You know how I work....You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Stolen from: Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

Read More

Nancy and Harry

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"

"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.

"We�ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then, we�ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren�t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "and what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen farmers came in, lifted the dog�s tail, and left shaking their head.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog�s tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone�s out there running around town, claiming there�s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"

Hat tip: Nick M.

Read More

Curtis & Leroy

Advice from Curtis and Leroy

Limit all U.S.politicians to two terms.
One in office.
One in prison.
Detroit and Chicago already do this.

Read More