The Pearly Gates

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No my son, I am God, but you look exhausted. Would you like some coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

Hat tip: Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

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Boasting Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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The Confessional

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

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Canons and Laws

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.



The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'



He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot ...



So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.



'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!'



His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'



With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...



'CELEBRATE!!'



Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

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The Commandments

Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."

The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord says, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

God says, "Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."

The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

And the French were not interested.

God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."

"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

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Understanding

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, �What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?�

He thought for a moment and then replied, �I would take up a collection."

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

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Lawyer, Doctor or Preacher?

Three friends decided to go hunting together, a lawyer a doctor and a preacher. As they were hunting all three friends saw a big buck in the clearing and fired their guns simultaneously. Upon reaching the dead animal they found only one bullet hole in the creature.

For five minutes the argued who had made the kill when they decided to get the game warden to settle the matter. The warden listened to the situation then carefully examined the animal. "That's easy, the preacher shot the buck."

They all wanted to know how the game warden knew. He said, "Well the bullet went in one ear and out the other".

Photograph: Wikipedia

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Elijah

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy."

Photograph: Wikipedia

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The Dalmatian

A Sunday School helper was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Photograph: Wikipedia

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The Nuns

Four nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them.

Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there."

The fourth guy said, "I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there."

The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any nuns there!"

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

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Saint Peter

At the pearly gates again, a taxi driver and minister are waiting in line. St. Peter consults his list and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

St. Peter next greets the minister saying, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get a cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

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Mommy, I'm Sick

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

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Do Dogs go to Heaven?

Absolutely unreal that this actually happened! These two churches face each other across a busy street.

Although none of this really happened it makes for a good post. You can go HERE and make your own church signs.

Hat tip: Karen of Right Where We Belong

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Sisters of Mercy

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying, "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles"

Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading, "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."

Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying, "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.

He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers, "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?"

The nun answers, "Yes" and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.

He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.

He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

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