Underwear Dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'



His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.



The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.



'Cathy, he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'



She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!



Hat tip: Dr. Vern

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Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver�s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What�s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here�s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate..

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn�t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I�ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate�

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Bob and Eileen

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow.

After a few minutes the therapist stepped away, Eileen buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Hat tip: Gracie of Echoes of Grace

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A Marriage Made in...

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.

Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

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She Said...She Meant

A mans guide to what a woman is really saying:

I just need some space..... without you in it.

Do I look fat in this dress?... we haven't had a fight in a while.

No, Pizza is fine..... you cheap slob!

I just don't want a boyfriend right now.... I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I don't know, what do you want to do?... I can't believe you have nothing planned.

Come here... my puppy does this, too.

I like you, but... I don't like you.

You never listen... You never listen.

I'll be ready in a minute... I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh no, I'll pay for myself... I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

Oh yes! Right there!... well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'm just going out with the girls... we're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

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Favorite Flower

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

"He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

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